mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
