He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
