If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
