i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
