I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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