do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
And then my night got REAL pukey
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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