One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We smell like vodka and hangover
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