I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
