I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
sarcasm needs its own font
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
