You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
