So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
