we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
