Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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