Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
