I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry about my life...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
