Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
