I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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