Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There r osticjed everywhere
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
