Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
