One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
