He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
