Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
