I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Found your dick twin last night
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
