For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
