If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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