I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
