My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
