I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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