Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
