Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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