I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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