i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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