He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I want her autograph on my taint
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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