doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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