I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
