I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
