Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ketchup is God's man juice
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
