so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
