she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
