You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
