Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
