Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
