his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
