dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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