Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Is Oprah even human
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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