It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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