Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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