where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
