You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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