2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think i peed on brittanys purse
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
